I know we still have a few weeks left to 2020 and I am so grateful to hopefully have a year that is better than the one we had this year. We have all been hit in some way or another by the hardships that 2020 pitched at us, and somehow we made it to where we are now. On the brink of a new year, there’s the hope that things start in a merrier fashion than how our 2020 started. I wanted to write this for a few reasons. Firstly, I wanted to be able to look back and see how far I made it, even though I currently don’t feel as though I’ve made it far at all. Secondly, I hope this is able to prompt you to review your own 2020 experience and see how far you have come!
A preface for this post: this is my story and me talking about my year. Mental health has been an immense part of my year, so if this isn’t for you, please go check out my previous post!
Let’s get into it!
January: holy moly. It was exciting to start a new year! I had just reconnected in a relationship and had high hopes for things working out. I turned in my notice at my job so I could go to school and work as a CNA. My parents were getting more serious about moving, and my stress and anxiety were starting to team up on me.
February: February was a really good month for me. While I was still worried with the potential of having to move (spoiler alert: I moved), I was making friends in my healthcare classes and was offered two jobs once I left the class. I was scared, but I took the jump.
March: this is where things turned. My anxiety started to creep up and I lacked confidence in my new job. I loved the people I looked after but the environment wasn’t my favorite. On top of that, I had started looking for places with my former partner and that added more stress at home.
April: work was starting to be more of an anxiety producer than I could handle and I turned in my resignation. My partner and I were hitting rocks and I was looking for places on my own. Call it divine intervention or the universe’s plan to begin implementing something better, but I ended up moving. At the end of April, my partner and I closed the chapter on our relationship and I was getting ready to pack up and move.
May: this was the worst month. My parents closed on our old home (my favorite home) and we stayed in two extended stay hotels while they figured out the deal on our new house. It wasn’t an easy process but we moved in during the middle of May. I almost moved back to my hometown after a successful job interview but once again, the universe said no. That one was most definitely a blessing. My depression was the worst it has ever been, much to the chagrin of 15 year old me who thought life was over in high school. I cried more than I had in years, I clung to whoever would talk to me, and I hated life.
June: I tried coming to terms with my new living situation but I was still struggling. I wasn’t happy, my mental health was at an all time low, and I felt completely lost. I put in countless job applications and after a solid month of not finding anything, I made the decision to go back to school. I tried college in 2018 and hated it, so I was hesitant and scared to start again.
July: the application process for my new university went fast, everything fell into place, and I was accepted into my dream school. During this month, I started seeing patterns in certain areas in life and tried to protect my peace and energy. That attempt failed and I continuously struggled with my mental health. Most of the moving boxes had finally been unpacked from my room and I tried my best to make a new safe space for myself.
August: this month was a fresh start. I fell in love with being in college and was so excited to feel like I might belong somewhere. This was where I first started to determine which cups poured into me and which ones didn’t. My anxiety was still a monkey on my back and depression trailed behind as always.
September & October: both of these months were blended together. I learned a lot about myself and I truly sought out peace. My therapist was a saving grace and helped me work through big potholes. COVID took the biggest emotional toll on me these months. I was tired of not going anywhere and seeing everyone else around me going out. I was jealous but I also valued my health and tried to find ways to be happy and productive at home, as most of us have done since beginning quarantine.
November: a month focused on recognition, thankfulness, and forgiveness. November kind of sucked. I started feeling at home in my new city but still felt out of place. I felt alone and I started depending on myself more as my own best friend.
December: so far this month has been okay. I passed my finals and made amazing grades in my classes. I never thought I would be able to do that. Now I am trying to focus on renewal and making sure I protect my peace and energy first. If it doesn’t bring me joy, I don’t do it. If they don’t pour into me, I don’t pour myself into them. I’ve spent so much of my life taking care of others first and making sure my energy was focused on them. Now my energy is going to me.
With all of the death, depression, hardships, and emotional struggles we have faced in 2020, somehow we made it past all of it. You and I are here today to tell our stories, help others, and learn more lessons about ourselves. Because of 2020, we have seen the best and worst sides of people. I have never seen more selfish displays than I have in my entire life. I learned patience, resilience, and I am still trying to learn how to love myself. It’s a hard journey. Trying to get in a good spot with mental health is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do but I have to do it for myself, and you have to do it for yourself. If someone doesn’t pour into you as much as you do them, reevaluate your situation. If you are unhappy with how things are going in your life, what are you doing to try to improve them? You are so much stronger than you realize!
As Moira Rose would say, “Don’t let the bastards get you down!”
Encore nous portons!
Featured image by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash